


A Strange Kind of Revenge

by The_Dirigible_Dinosaur



Category: The Folk of the Air - Holly Black
Genre: Bad Pick-Up Lines, Canon Compliant, Crack, F/F, F/M, Hopefully not OOC, Mortal Realm, Pick-Up Lines, Post-Book 3: The Queen of Nothing, based off of a headcanon posted on tumblr, cheesy pick up lines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:21:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26973562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Dirigible_Dinosaur/pseuds/The_Dirigible_Dinosaur
Summary: So I recently posted a randomTFOTA headcanonon Tumblr about Cardan and Jude visiting the Mortal world and Cardan getting introduced to pick-up lines. That he uses. Frequently. Which, of course completely irritates Jude. Anyways, the post surprisingly got quite a few notes and the idea wouldn't leave me so I thought I'd make a small fic which snowballed into a multi-chap, complete with some of the most random things like 'Project Runway' reruns and Skittles. If you do give it a go leave a comment and tell me what you think.
Relationships: Jude Duarte/Cardan Greenbriar, Vivienne Duarte/Heather
Comments: 37
Kudos: 137





	1. Chapter 1

Jude lets out a slight sigh of exhaustion as she fights to remain poised on her throne, the picture of elegance in front of her reveling subjects. She cannot show any signs of weakness. Her husband beside her steals a glance at her from over his wine glass, noting the weariness on her face that she is attempting to hide. 

She can’t help but feel a little relieved when Cardan sets the glass of wine down as he stands and announces, “The Queen and I will be retiring for the day, but do carry on with the merry making.”

She takes a moment to drink in the sight of him imperiously addressing his subjects, the gold on his cheeks glistening under the bright lights. His black eyes shining, highlighted by the Kohl on his lids. The crown sitting regally atop his raven locks which fall over the pointy-tipped ears that mark his ancestry. He is beautiful, untouchable and yet, hers. She takes the arm that he extends as they gracefully exit the hall, headed towards their bed chambers.

“Tired, my mortal goddess?” he murmurs in her ear as they walk.

She is tempted to lie, so as to not appear fragile, but this was Cardan. The only person for whom she would remove her armour. 

So she replies, “ A little, I admit,” looking up into his raven eyes that seem to hold a glint of concern. 

He knew that the constant celebrations of the Fae took a toll on her, but she refused to shirk her duties as the Queen of Elfhame, attending every revel. The matter often caused fights between them but the make ups were always just as passionate as their yelling was.

“Your Majesties, please excuse me,” they are intercepted by Fand, Jude’s personal knight. “Your sister has sent you a letter, Your Highness.” She hands Jude a letter with her name scrawled on the envelope in Vivi’s sloppy cursive. For a moment she’d hoped it was from Taryn, her twin with whom she maintained a rather tenuous relationship. She was still glad to hear from Vivi who kept up a correspondence with her between the Mortal world and the Fae one, both of them exchanging letters, although oftentimes Jude’s many duties would intercede. 

“Thank you Fand, you may go.” She thumbs the letter as Fand respectfully bows and retreats. 

“I wonder what your sister has to say this time?” Cardan remarks as they enter their rooms, immediately starting to remove his extravagant attire and change into his equally extravagant silk night robe.

“No idea, I only hope it’s nothing to do with Madoc and Oriana.” Jude’s relationship with her father was a very, very fragile one. After all that had transpired between them, she hadn’t yet reached out to him, with only Vivi’s letters to provide her with any news of his doings in the Mortal Realm since she’d banished him. He’d said that he understood her actions, but understanding did not mean forgiving. Not that she needed forgiving. He was the one in the wrong. But he was also still the man who had raised her to be the warrior she was now.

As if sensing her thoughts, Cardan steps closer to where she is standing by the doorframe, gently nudging her with his now free tail as she rips open the envelope. He rests his head on her shoulder and joins her in her attempt to decipher Vivi’s handwriting.

“She’s inviting us to come and visit them in the mortal realm for a while, now that things are calmer.” It was indeed true that months had passed since Jude had slayed Cardan’s serpentine form, fulfilling the prophecy and the two had brought peace to Elfhame by ridding it of Madoc’s rebels. 

“She says that a short break would be beneficial for the both of us and that Oak keeps asking to see me.” She smiles to herself as she thinks of her precocious younger brother.

“That sounds like an excellent idea,” Cardan says. “You deserve a break, Jude. More importantly, I do, for all the hard work I attend to,” he adds with an exaggerated yawn and a smug look.

She gives that last statement as much attention as it deserved, which is to say, she ignores it. 

“But can we afford to take a break? What about the safety of our Kingdom?” 

“I’m sure that the Court of Shadows and our bloodthirsty redcap general can handle the Kingdom in our absence and it would only be for a few days. Besides, I am curious to see more of where my wife spent her days during her...exile.” He falters slightly on that last word, shooting her a wary look. He knows that Jude did not at all appreciate his trickery that had led to those miserable days in exile. She has forgiven him, mostly, but there was no harm in keeping the High King on his toes. 

She narrows her eyes at him and in response he presses a penitent kiss to her lips.

Before they can get too wrapped up in each other he pulls away, “So it’s settled? We shall spend a few days in the mortal realm with your sister?”

“I suppose so.” Now that Jude is resigned to the idea she feels a spark of excitement at visiting her family. 

* * *

A few nights later the couple, accompanied by the Roach, make their way to the sea that separates them from the Mortal lands as the fog swirls around them, each carrying saddlebags. Cardan conjures two bony Ragwort ponies from a few stalks, silent and ready to carry them across the realms. They have donned mortal clothes, Jude in a sensible black pair of shorts and a dark top, under which she has concealed her various weapons and Cardan looking quite irregular in his tight-fitting denim jeans and loose white shirt that Jude had scrounged up for him. Despite her best efforts at pleading with him, she had not succeeded in having his gold cheeks and kohl removed, creating a very striking yet confusing image of the Fae in ill-fitting mortal clothes. He did, at least, promise to glamour the pointed tips of his ears once they’d crossed. 

“Worry not, Your Highnesses, your Kingdom is in good hands,” the Roach bids them farewell.

“I do hope so,” Cardan replies, giving him a quick nod, mounting his steed after Jude and tangling his fingers in the horse's leafy mane as they take off into the night.

It’s nearing dawn once they’re outside Vivi and Heather’s apartment, the horses dissolving into stalks that blow away in the dark and quiet surroundings. Cardan takes in the sights around him and Jude remembers that he’d been here once before, coming to Vivi for help after Madoc had kidnapped Jude right from Cardan’s presence, thinking she was Taryn.

“It is strange. The last time I was here I was in such a hurry to find you that I didn’t really notice much of what was around me,” he says, his enhanced eyesight not at all hindered by the darkness. 

“What do you think of the mortal world so far?” Jude asks, ringing the doorbell. 

“Usually at this time we Fae would be feasting and dancing, but here it’s so still and silent. It seems that no one is awake.”

“Sometimes mortals actually do have night time revels,” she replies, thinking of the nightclubs that Vivi used to sneak off to back when they lived with Madoc. She’d sometimes waltz back into Jude’s room upon returning and describe her night to her half-impressed, half-disapproving sisters, her cheeks flushed from alcohol and dancing. It felt like ages ago.

“Is that so? Perhaps while we are here we should attend one of these revels,” Cardan suggests, head tilting.

“Perhaps,” Jude replies distractedly as she wonders why it was taking so long for someone to answer the door. They had sent a quick note informing her sister of their impending visit so they should be expected.

Finally Vivi swings open the door, her petite body clothed in a baggy set of pajamas, “Jude, you’re here,” she opens the door wider, scanning her sister with her golden cat’s eyes. 

“Hello Vivi,” Jude steps inside and gives her a quick hug with Cardan following in her wake, “Sister-in-law,” he teases.

“Pain-in-law,” Vivi responds, not missing a beat. Jude smiles to herself. It was good to see her sassy half-sister again.

Jude follows her sister to the kitchen counter as she fumbles around for some mugs to make coffee in. Cardan settles himself onto a high stool, intrigued by the coffee machine that Vivi was currently operating. The three of them linger in the kitchen for some time, drinking their beverages and exchanging stories, Jude relating stories of Elfhame and court happenings and Vivi catching them up on the recent happenings in the Mortal world and Oak’s schooling and Heather’s job. Jude is relieved to know that Madoc and Oriana hadn’t gotten into any trouble in the mortal world, at least not as yet, and that they were currently living somewhere quite far off, though they did frequently come and visit Oak. They wouldn’t be visiting while Jude was here, she was glad to hear. That confrontation would have to come at some point she supposed, but not just yet.

Finally, Vivi calls it a night, showing them to the room they were to occupy and leaving them to return to her sleeping girlfriend’s side. 

Cardan takes in the messy bedroom, with a half-heartedly made up bed, obviously a last minute preparation for their arrival. “So, this is where you slept when you were here?” He lays on the bed and slowly stretches his legs out in a cat-like manner, watching Jude as she deposits their bags on the floor. 

“Indeed. Not quite the level of luxury you’re used to, Your Highness,” she smirks, crawling onto the bed beside him. She pushes him aside to make space for herself. 

“Nevertheless, there is something to be said about smaller beds,” he responds, putting his arm about her waist and pulling her close, freeing his tail from the jeans to wrap around her calf. 

“Hmm…” she mumbles tiredly, resting her head on his chest, feeling her husband’s hands stroking her chestnut hair, lulling her to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there, so that was the first chapter of the story, just to set things up and see Jude and Cardan in the mortal world. Things'll really start happening in the next chapter. Let me know what you think (no flames, please).
> 
> Find me on Tumblr [@dirigibledinosaur](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/dirigibledinosaur)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lil' trip to the mall, pizza and Cardan being Cardan.

The next morning Jude wakes to the late morning sunlight streaming through the window onto the bed where Cardan still slept. Quietly, so as not to disturb him, she untangles herself from his grasp and heads to the bathroom to freshen up, having fallen asleep in her traveling clothes from earlier in the morning.

Cardan is sitting up with a lazy grin curving his lips when she comes back, his eyes trained on her. 

“Good morning, wife.”

“Husband,” she returns.

He looks around the room in the daylight and his expression turns thoughtful, dark eyes deepening. “Did you...think of me when you were here?” He asks her, sounding uncharacteristically cautious

She looks straight at his face, remembering the pain she’d been in during her first days here, all those months ago. She’d spent her first few days in exile moping around and _not_ thinking about her treacherous husband. With a little help from Vivi and many tubs of mint and chocolate chip ice cream she’d finally gotten out of her pajamas and returned to her training routines, all the more vicious as she thought up ways to get her revenge on the High King of Faerie.

“I did. I used to stay up late into the night with Vivi once Oak was asleep and we would plot ways to kill you.”

Cardan smiles a wry smile at her admission, “I’d expect nothing less from you, my sweet nemesis.”

“I know you thought of me, you’ve told me about your letters.” Letters that she would never get to see, thanks to Lady Asha.

He shifts in the bed, tail swishing in the air. “I did. I thought of you incessantly. My anger at you over Balekin didn’t last long and soon I found myself wondering why you hadn’t returned yet. I worried that you’d found the Mortal world more pleasurable than Elfhame. That you preferred your life here. In my darkest moments I’d imagine you with another. I’d imagine never seeing you again.” 

His voice is racked with pain and sincerity, the anguish he’d felt written clearly on his features. “So many times, I thought of coming here. To see you, even if just from a distance. But I couldn’t leave our Kingdom, I couldn’t forsake the duties you’d entrusted me with when you crowned me, even if you were meant to be by my side always. That throne that you’d worked so hard to save, I couldn’t risk leaving it when the threat of Madoc loomed so near. Jude, believe me when I say that my thoughts were always, always of you, my brave villain.”

His confession touches her very soul. She takes in the sight of him, broken and exposed and her heart quickens. The High King of Elfhame, her husband, who would only ever be this open and unguarded in front of her, his queen. She comes closer to him on the bed and bends down, stroking his messy black curls away from his face as she gently lowers her lips to his.

* * *

They’ve arrived on a Saturday so Oak is scarfing down a bowl of sugary cereal when she and Cardan enter the kitchen. He looks up with excitement and rushes to give his sister a bear hug, squeezing her as tightly as his 8 year old hands can. “Jude you’re finally here, I missed you!” 

She playfully ruffles his nut brown hair and squeezes him back, pulling away to give him a once over, “I missed you too, Oak.”

He goes to hug Cardan while Jude finally spots Heather, Vivi’s pink-haired girlfriend who was currently by the kitchen table, making her way over to say Hi. “Good to see you again, Jude. Vivi’s just popped off to grab some groceries. Hopefully she uses actual money this time,” she rolls her eyes, smiling.

“Nice to see you too, Heather,” Jude smiles in response.

Once they’re all sat around the dining room table and Cardan and Jude are equipped with their own bowls of cereal, the multi-coloured loops of which had captured Cardan’s initial fascination and Jude now watches out of the corner of her eye as he sits stirring his breakfast, entranced, as the colours slowly bleed into the milk, turning it slightly muddy. She finds him quite adorable with that expression on his face. Maybe even charming. Not that she’d ever say it out loud. 

She tunes in to what Heather is saying at the moment, “So, what do you guys wanna do today?” She looks expectantly at them and Jude tries to think of an answer but is thankfully interrupted by her brother. 

“Ooh ooh, can we go to the mall today? And have pizza for lunch?” he jumps in his seat.

“Tell me, what is a ‘maul’? And what type of a food is this, ‘Pizza’?” Cardan interjects. Oak slowly turns to him with a look of horror on his face. 

“You’ve never had pizza??” He turns to Heather, “We _have_ to have pizza, Heather, we _have_ to.” He faces Cardan once again and starts telling him all about pizza and all the different toppings and which combos worked and which didn’t and how eating pineapple on pizza was an unforgivable sin.

Heather laughs a little as she looks at Jude, “Well, I guess we’re having pizza today.”

“I guess we are,” Jude laughs back, watching her little brother excitedly explaining mortal customs to her husband.

They head out to the nearest shopping mall once Vivi’s back and they travel by bus which leads to another shock for Cardan who is in awe at the fact that this metal box was able to move on it’s own. _Truly, mortals did have some funny ideas,_ he’d remarked, astonished.

His eyes are locked on the view outside the whole time, taking in the concrete and cement, in stark contrast to the raw natural surroundings of Faerie. He is dressed in better fitting mortal clothes than last night which Vivi had gotten for him. A dark shirt and dark fitted jeans, with space for him to tuck his tail in. He glamours his face to appear more mortal, with rounded ears, accentuated by his usual gold studs and he is still inordinately attractive for a mortal and Jude knows he’ll be receiving lots of stares. Especially appreciative ones from girls. She is suddenly conscious of her concealed dagger.

Once they arrive Oak immediately drags them to the gaming zone, introducing Cardan to the wonders of playstations. He teaches them how to play Mario Kart and the little character on the screen whose movements you could control was indeed, quite entertaining. 

He is less enthusiastic when Heather and Vivi drag them to Sephora, the makeup store. Nevertheless, he tries his hardest to stay still and is justly rewarded with an achingly sweet candy floss that he graciously shares with everyone.

Cardan, for his part, is not only entranced by the fluffy pink treat but also by the cosmetics surrounding him, letting Heather draw Kohl on him with liquid black eyeliner and applying shiny silver highlighter on his high cheekbones. Vivi even forces Jude to try on a dark shade of red lipstick that Cardan later attempts to kiss off of her when they are alone in between the secluded store aisles.

Finally, they emerge from the store, shopping bags in tow as they head to the food court for lunch. The place is buzzing, with a multitude of smells permeating the air. Oak immediately makes a beeline for the blue and red themed food stall with a sign that reads ‘Domino’s’ in large lettering. The scent of pizza being baked is enticing and they quickly order a personal pizza each plus coca cola.

Thankfully their orders arrive quickly and Jude impatiently blows on the first slice of her barbeque chicken pizza. Next to her Cardan is considering his slice of pepperoni and cheese covered crust, no doubt fascinated by its odd composition. He seems to enjoy it after his first bite though, once it was explained that the pepperoni was not, indeed, supposed to be plucked off and eaten separately and soon they are all done. 

Jude heads to the washroom to pee and whilst she’s walking back she sees Cardan being approached by a slim girl with blue streaks in her hair. He is alone, Heather and Vivi having gone somewhere with Oak and Jude quickens her stride. 

She is just within earshot to hear the girl’s voice say, “Aside from being sexy, what do you do for a living?”

Jude’s eyes narrow as her husband smiles a sly grin and answers with an arrogant tilt of his head, “Rule the Kingdom of the Fae.”

He is being completely honest, after all he cannot tell a lie. But of course the girl does not know that and she looks confused and then lets out a giggle and lightly swats his arm, obviously thinking he is joking.

Jude has had enough of this and finally reaches her husband’s side and smiles at the girl, making sure that her ruby ring is on display as she takes Cardan’s arm. She immediately backs off, while Jude secretly pinches Cardan, hard, for messing with the girl.

“What was that about?”

“She asked a question. I answered it.” While his words were innocent, his grinning face gave away that he knew he’d been slightly wicked.

“Mhmm. You are incorrigible,” she rolls her eyes, finally letting her harsh grip on him go. 

“You love it. Tell me Jude, did her question make you jealous?”

“Please, the females at court eye you on a daily basis back at home. It’s no surprise that they find you handsome here as well,” she responds truthfully. “I was more annoyed by your response. What happened to staying inconspicuous?”

He just smiles guiltily back at her. Shaking her head, she’s about to threaten him with a reduction of his beloved alcohol supply back home when she spots Vivi, Heather and Oak coming their way.

They spend the rest of the day at the mall in a similar fashion, introducing Cardan to the wonders of retail shopping and toy stores. The day passes quickly and the exhausted party head home by early evening, satisfied with the day’s events.

A worn out Oak heads off to bed after extracting a promise from Jude that the two of them could play at the park alone together the next day.

It’s still too early for the adults to go to sleep and thanks to their sleeping in today they are all still wide awake. 

“So, now that the little terror is asleep, what should we do?” Vivi questions, tucking a stray lock of her umber hair behind her furry pointed ears.

“Jude mentioned that there were places where mortals had night time revels, I should like to see them,” Cardan suggests.

Vivi trains her cat eyes on Jude, a feline smile on her face, “You told your husband about night clubs? Excellent. The High King of revelry in a mortal club is definitely something I need to see.”

The gleeful look in her eyes set Jude on edge. After all, she’s never been to one of these clubs herself, but surely they were not half as wild as Fae celebrations. How much trouble could Cardan get into?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so we've approached pick up line territory (yayy, finally) but the real intro happens in the next chapter. So stay tuned.
> 
> Also come find me on tumblr [@dirigibledinosaur](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/dirigibledinosaur)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Club scene and Cardan's induction into pick-up lines. Let the drabble-y fun begin.

_Vivi trains her cat eyes on Jude, a feline smile on her face, “You told your husband about night clubs? Excellent. The High King of revelry in a mortal club is definitely something I need to see.”_

_The gleeful look in her eyes set Jude on edge. After all, she’s never been to one of these clubs herself, but surely they were not half as wild as Fae celebrations. How much trouble could Cardan get into?_

* * *

“Don’t mind Vivi, Jude, I’m sure it’ll be a fun experience,” Heather says, dragging her girlfriend away to get dressed.

An hour later, the four are standing outside the apartment, walking to the club that is just a few blocks away.

They are quite a sight to behold, Heather’s pink hair almost luminous in the dark and her neon crop top definitely standing out while Vivi looks dangerous in her fishnet tights and miniskirt, giving off an air of salacious ferocity. Cardan is distractingly gorgeous in black leather pants and a slim fitting white top complete with leather jacket. He’s wearing the eyeliner and silver highlighter that they’d bought earlier and he looks completely delectable, just like his usual self, even in mortal guise. Jude herself is in a short black dress with halter straps, her trusty undetectable dagger holstered on her thigh.

The huge neon sign for a dark brick building reads ‘Club Royale’ and Jude takes a moment to appreciate the irony. Tonight, there will indeed be two Royals in attendance.

At the entrance there’s a small cue as people stand in line in a queue on the pavement to get their hands stamped by a burly looking bouncer. He rather reminds Jude of a green-skinned troll back home who’d recently joined the Court of Shadows.

Cardan leans down and whispers, “Jude, what is that giant of a man doing to these people’s hands?”

“That, Cardan, is the bouncer, and he is going to stamp our hands with a temporary mark so that they know we’ve paid the entrance fee. Rather like if we made our guards check each of our guests to make sure they have invitations to attend the party.”

“I see,” he replies, brow furrowed.

“I remember I used to sneak out to the mortal world to go clubbing and then the next day I’d keep the stamp out on display for Madoc to see,” Vivi winks as she holds her hand out to be marked. “Good times.”

Soon, they’re in and the building is packed with mortals, music blaring from very loud speakers and strobe lights switching colours as they illuminate the room.

Cardan’s coal black eyes glint as they take in the club. Jude herself is taken by surprise, not having expected so much intensity. Still, even this couldn’t hold a candle to some of the Fae’s revels, where the assault on your senses was enough to set your mind reeling if you were unprepared.

Heather and Vivi take the lead as they show them to the bar on the other side of the dance floor. Bottles of alcohol line the shelves behind the counter, displaying names and brands on bottles of all different shapes and colours, glinting in the harsh lighting, and a rather good looking bartender stirs drinks together for the waiting customers.

Jude has no idea what to order, so she reluctantly leaves her fate entirely in Vivi and Heather’s hands and Cardan does the same. The result is a clear transparent liquid, with green mint leaves and a small lemon peel that has the small tingle of alcohol. It’s a lot less intoxicating than Nevermore, but to her that’s a good thing.

Cardan on the other hand is handed an oddly shaped glass with a light pink liquid inside. It tastes slightly sour and sweet at the same time. He seems to like it.

An impatient Vivi downs the tawny contents of her shot glass and immediately tugs Heather onto the dance floor, in the midst of other sweaty, writhing bodies. While the music in Faerie weaves an enchanting spell, so potent that mortals cannot stop dancing until they die of exhaustion in some cases, the music here sounds electric, full of techno beats and lyrics that almost everyone seemed to know.

Jude cocks her head to the side as she looks at Cardan, who’s intently observing the dance floor and sipping on his drink.

“So tell me, is it what you were expecting of a mortal revel?” she asks, half mocking, half curious.

“It’s strange. I am not sure what I was expecting, but this was not it,” he answers, “They do not dance like we do. They are...moving? Moving to the music. Not in a synchronised move but so completely, unordered.”

His words remind Jude of how elegant the Fae were. They didn’t sweat. They were a species that were all about appearances, always fluid, graceful. To them, these mortals having fun must look like a clumsy mess.

“It’s...different.” He continues, almost to himself.

Jude finishes her drink and stands, “Well, come, husband, let’s go see what unsynchronised mortal moves we can learn,” she teases, pulling him along onto the floor.

They copy the dancers around them, flinging their hands into the air and swaying from side to side. There’s a certain sense of freedom. Back in faerie, they are the rulers and while that meant that no Fae would have the guts to judge the Royal couple, they still have to keep up appearances at every event. Especially Jude, the human amongst them.

So she decides to try and take this opportunity to let go, mimicking the actions of couples around them as she wraps her arms around Cardan’s neck, dancing close to him.

At one point he leans down and presses his lips to her ear. “My sweet poison, I seem to remember you chiding me when I kissed you that day in court. Yet, there are so many couples here who seem to be quite wrapped up in each other” he raises his eyebrows at a nearby couple who appeared to be playing a game of how far they could stick their tongues down each other’s throats.

Jude tries hard to suppress the tingle in her cheeks and smacks her husband’s arm. “That’s different, Cardan, we were at court.”

“Whatever you say, my darling queen. ‘Tis interesting to know that it’s not a side of your personality that is attributed to your mortal roots,” he smirks; ever the smug royal.

Later, Jude finds herself having to use the toilet and she leaves her husband alone on the dance floor with a warning to be on his best behaviour until she gets back. He beams and makes no promises. Either way, Cardan’s best behaviour doesn’t mean much.

She’s just exiting the bathroom after adjusting her form fitting dress when someone stops her with a hand on her shoulder. Immediately, she tenses, about to reach for her dagger, when she hears a man speak. “Whoa sorry, there,” he removes the hand on her shoulder, “didn’t mean to man handle you.” He is rather handsome with captivating green eyes. She was use to beauty though, having lived among the Fae for most of her life.

She nods and is just about to carry on, when he steps in front of her, blocking her way. Jude is really getting annoyed now, incensed by this grinning man, and is just about to deliver a scathing remark when he speaks.

“I just wanted to know; Did it hurt?”

For a split second she’s confused and then, she understands. Surely not.

He continues, “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”

Jude groans internally.

That stupid grin is still on his face. He probably thinks he looks charming.

Before she can reject this impudent sleaze, she feels a presence at her side. Wonderful. Cardan was here. She feels his strong arm snake around her waist.

“I’d advise you to stay away from my wife, mortal” He warns, a hint of glamour present in his dark voice. The glamour takes effect and man immediately turns and walks away in the blink of an eye, leaving them alone.

Jude turns her wrath on her infuriating husband who is petulantly glaring after the man. “I could have handled him on my own. You didn’t have to step in.”

“Oh believe me, Jude, I know. Still, I am your husband and I disliked the way he was touching you.”

Her eyes narrow into slits. “In that case, esteemed spouse, know that the next time Nicasia or any other lady in court dares to lay a finger on you that I will not hesitate to knick her with my dagger, High Queen or not.”

Without a word she walks off back towards the bar for another drink, ignoring her pompous, micro-managing, arrogant husband. He had the audacity to look delighted by her threat.

Undeterred, he trails after her. “Jude. What was it that he said to you? Why was he asking if you were hurt? And what was that bit about heaven?”

She looks up at the ceiling and heaves a great sigh as she is reminded of the cheesy line. Why were all men so thick headed?

“It’s a pickup line.”

“A ‘pickup line’?” he is unfamiliar with the phrase, unsure of what it means.

“It’s...a line you say to start a conversation with someone. Someone you find attractive,” she explains. “Like that girl at the mall. She asked you what you did besides being sexy, that implied that she thought you were sexy.”

“I see. Well, of course she did, I am after all very appealing” He grins, to her chagrin.

While she rolls her eyes yet again, his face takes on a thoughtful look. “So when he asked you that question…If you had fallen from Heaven- He was calling you an angel?”

“Unfortunately, yes. I find pickup lines extremely irritating. That one, in particular, is so over done that even I, who’s barely lived in the Mortal world, am sick of it,” she groans.

“Interesting,” Cardan merely comments, though his mind appeared to be occupied beneath his raven locks.

They spend the rest of the night oscillating between the bar and the dance floor and no one else attempts to hit on Jude. Although, that might have had something to do with the glare that Cardan would shoot at every male with five feet of her.

They all eventually head home, slightly tipsy from the alcohol, grabbing some take away from a nearby McDonald’s for dinner. It takes a while to explain to Cardan that the voice talking on the intercom was not magic, but a normal human being.

The moment the burgers are demolished the two couples head to their respective bedrooms, ready to collapse.

Jude’s changed into her comfortable nightwear and is brushing her teeth when Cardan steps up to her in the bathroom and looks at her in the mirror. She questioningly raises a dark eyebrow at him and rinses out the toothpaste in her mouth.

“Did it hurt?” he asks, eyes twinkling.

She stifles a groan. “Let me guess. When I fell from Heaven?” she responds, voice thick with scorn.

He grins like a child at Christmas. “No, when you fell for me.”

For a moment she is speechless. No doubt he is extremely proud of himself for coming up with that.

Then, a wicked smile curves her face as she replies, “Yes actually. It did.”

After all, it was true that she really hadn’t been impressed with herself when she first realized she’d fallen in love with Cardan.

He looks caught off guard and his expression is just changing to one of offense when she exits the room, lightly patting his shoulder as she does so.

That night, Jude goes to sleep with a smile thinking of how she’d bested her incorrigible husband. Said incorrigible husband, goes to sleep thinking of how he can get revenge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this chapter wasn't a let down, lemme know what you think in the comments or find me on tumblr [@dirigibledinosaur](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/dirigibledinosaur)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, I feel like now would be a good time to point out the crack tag on this fic, 'cus honestly that is what this chapter is. Still, hopefully it's funny, enjoy. Also this chap is from Cardan's POV.

Cardan woke up the next day to an empty bed. The late morning sun was streaming in and his early rising wife had likely already risen and started her day. Unlike back in Elfhame, mortals slept during the night and worked during the days, whereas faeries were nocturnal creatures. He remembers that Jude had promised to spend the day with Oak at the park, where she’d probably try and sneak in a little training, knowing her. 

While he doesn’t enjoy waking up alone without his wife’s warmth next to him, he supposed it was a good thing that she was already gone. Now he could approach Vivienne immediately for a little assistance with his scheme to get back at Jude for her wicked words last night. His lips curve deviously at the thought.

After donning his acceptable and constraining mortal attire he makes his way to the living room, where the big black square that Oak referred to as a ‘TV’ was. Seated on the blue couch were Vivi and Heather, eyes glued to whatever was playing on the TV’s screen. He remains unnoticed, something he is very unused to, in the doorway as the two vehemently argue over something.

“I’m telling you, Blair’s dress was way better than Alex’s!” Heather enthuses.

“Oh please, it was a prissy pink frosted cake.” Vivi scornfully replies.

“Yeah? Well, your precious Dev’s catsuit looked like someone had barfed black sequins all over it.”

“Hmph, still better than that confectionary nightmare.” 

Amused, Cardan finally clears his throat from the doorway, “Ladies, as much as I hate to break this up, I-” He cuts himself off as he spies a young man walking down a white ramp displayed on the screen, wearing a resplendent midnight blue coat over a vest and shirt. Gold constellations had been embroidered on it, adding to its extravagance. He’d thought that mortal clothing was very tame compared to those of Faerie, but here at last was an attire worthy of his consideration. 

“Come, Cardan, let us introduce you to the glamorous world of ‘Project Runway’” Vivi announces majestically, in the manner of someone bestowing a great favour, while she pets a spot on the couch. Though he is rankled by her order, he is intrigued so he sits down where she was patting and allows them to explain this ’Project Runaway’ to him.

A few hours later and the time has passed with Vivi and Heather replaying an entire season of the show for Cardan while he munches on some avocado and toast for breakfast. Together, the three comment and argue and admire and it is, no doubt, time well spent. 

Only when the final end credits are rolling, does Cardan remember his request. He tells them that he needs to get revenge on Jude for something and for what he’s got planned, he’s gonna need some mortal-expert help. Vivi is immediately on board at the opportunity to help get on her sister’s nerves and Heather finds the idea rather entertaining, so the rest of their afternoon is spent plotting, with the help of a magical wiseman by the name of Google. 

Cardan is fully prepared when Jude and Oak finally make it home, faces smiling from ear to ear after a fun day outdoors. Jude is energetic and relaxed as she gives him a small hello kiss, something she hadn’t been a while ago thanks to the queenly duties bogging her down. Cardan makes a mental note to see what can be done about that once they’re back home, but for now, he has some things to do. 

He follows Jude as she walks back to their room to change out of her clothes that are sweaty from the warm summer air and he tries not to get distracted as she peels off her top and instead forces himself to say, “My lovely nemesis, do you know what mortal snack I was partaking of just before you came?”

She tugs a T-shirt on and raises an eyebrow, giving him a questioning look, her expression confused. 

“These rather addicting sweets called Skittles.” He pauses, holding back a laugh at the joke that Vivi had explained to him. “Would you like to taste the rainbow?”

At first she doesn’t comprehend, but then her eyes widen in horror. She’s remembered the slogan on those packaged sweets that Oak liked so much. 

Cardan can no longer contain his laughter and it breaks free, only getting louder when Jude smacks him on the chest in reproach. “Where did you learn _that_ from?” 

Seeing his poised villain all riled up like this, eyes ablaze gives him a sense of satisfaction. Yes, he thinks. This little campaign of his was most certainly a good idea. 

* * *

Despite the cold shoulder that his wife is currently giving him, Cardan is unfazed at the dinner table later on. They’re all seated around the small round wooden table and its mismatched chairs. It’s a strangely cozy feeling. Around him, his friends and family are all chattering and laughing and exchanging batter, passing around potatoes and steaks.

Throughout his life, Cardan was always excluded by his family, an unwanted child, the expendable son of The High King. His mother was certainly not a loving parent, his father barely spared him a second glance and his siblings...well, they certainly never cared about him either. They had all ignored him, cast him out, except for Balekin and even then, from all he’d suffered at the hands of his brother those attentions were more of a curse than a blessing.

Now, thanks to Jude, his ferocious queen, he had a family. Complete with a traitorous Warlock father-in-law who’d tried to usurp him from the crown as well as a sister-in-law who’d murdered his old friend, but no family was perfect.

He’s interrupted from his musings by Heather’s mention of their ‘Project Runway’ spree. Ah yes. An interesting form of entertainment, that. The hearty laugh that Jude emits when she and Oak hear what the adults were up to for most of the morning makes Cardan feel ridiculously content.

The conversation soon turns to clothing and fabrics, much to Oak’s disgust, and Cardan sees an opportunity. An opening that was just too good to pass up. He is immensely pleased with his own cunning.

“Indeed. It is all in the material, I find,” he starts, agreeing with Vivi’s dissertation of Alex’s entirely too heavy silk gown design. He faces Jude, ready to deliver the killer blow, “Take my shirt for instance; it’s made of boyfriend material.”

There’s a lull in the air. 

Then, the silence is broken from the other side of the table when Vivi bangs her hand on the table and chokes on a piece of broccoli as she guffaws, causing a chuckling Heather to reach over and pat her on the back. Even Oak is smiling, mostly at the look on his sister’s face. A look of fury and disbelief, Cardan notes with delight. 

She glares at him in a manner that is fit to kill in the most torturous way possible, which he finds extremely attractive. Her teeth are gritted. “We’re _married_.”

“Ah, so we are, my Deathly Queen,” he replies, grinning like the Cheshire Cat from the book that both he and his wife loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehe. So, there we go, the Skittles and Project Runway moments. Anyways, lemme know what you think.
> 
> Tumblr:[@dirigibledinosaur](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/dirigibledinosaur)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one's a teeny bit heavier, I guess. Anyways, I hope you still enjoy and please do leave a comment down below. 
> 
> Tumblr: [@dirigibledinosaur](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/dirigibledinosaur)

Back when Cardan and his friends used to make her life hell in school, Taryn had told Jude a countless number of times to ignore them and hope that they would tire of tormenting them soon. Of course, Jude was not very good at taking advice, so needless to say that wasn’t what happened, and either way she doubted that her tormentors would have given up so easily. Yet, this time, Jude was actually going to heed this advice.

By now it was clear that Cardan was trying to get under her skin with his terrible collection of pick up lines, so she'd decided that simply ignoring him would hopefully cause his restless self to get bored and give up, restoring her peace of mind. 

Yes, that was what she would do, she was an ex-seneschal and a strategic queen with a plan. 

So she continues to give him the cold shoulder for the rest of the night at the dinner table and later on when they’re in bed, and infuriatingly, he doesn’t seem to take notice or care. Well, no matter, he would eventually. 

* * *

The next day, Jude feels less like a strategic ex-seneschal and High Queen and more like an anxious teenage girl carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. The reason?

Madoc.

Madoc had arrived. 

Despite the fact that Vivi fervently swore that she hadn’t told their father of Jude and Cardan’s visit and that he and Oriana weren’t scheduled to visit until the following week, when Jude and Cardan would be long gone. 

Yet, here he was. Standing on the other side of the apartment door where Jude could spy him from the peephole as he rang the bell a second time. Behind her, Vivi looks uncertain.

Jude stays behind the door, dread filling her and Cardan approaches her from the side and takes her hand in his, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

Heaving a resigned sigh she moves aside and lets Vivi open the door to reveal her green-skinned father, tunic clad arm raised to ring the bell a third time. His eyes, identical to Vivi's, widen in shock as he sees Jude for the first time since his exile. 

“Jude.” 

The smell of smoke still accompanies him, but the tinge of blood is no longer prevalent. Good.

“Madoc.” Her feet are lead.

He hesitates on the doorstep, taking in the sight of her in her black hoodie and jeans, so different from the dresses and training attire she wore in Elfhame. She, in turn, is observing him, carefully noting every detail, his blond hair was unkempt and his furry tipped ears stood out. She hoped that he was glamoured in front of the mortals. 

They face each other, the tension building, until finally Madoc lowers his head in submission and addresses her as “Your Highness,” before doing the same to Cardan, standing protectively next to her, tail agitatedly stirring, silently supportive.

The room is silent until finally Vivi steps forward. “Father, why are you here? Oak is at school.”

“Oriana sent me to request the loan of your...Clothes iron.” His mouth shapes those last two words in a way that sounds foreign. Strange. The way that living in the Mortal realm must feel for him.

And she’d been the one who sent him there. She doesn’t regret it. She knows that showing him mercy would have been much too dangerous for her kingdom. Hers. Hers and Cardan’s, and some day, Oak’s. Hers to protect.

“I see that the King and Queen have come to pay a visit,” he continues, still warily watching his daughter. Jude wonders if he’s remembering their encounter outside his war camp, the night Cardan and the Roach had come to rescue her, the night when her father’s sword had plunged into her, red blood gushing out. Her blood. The ghost of that pain tingles within her for a moment.

“They have. I’ll go fetch the iron,” Vivi walks out of the room with a glance at Jude.

The tension is so thick that, forget the proverbial knife, Jude wasn’t sure if even her sword Nightfell could cut through it.

Finally she clears her throat. “I hope you and Oriana are coping well.” 

And she does. Some part of her will always remember the adopted father who had taught her how to brandish her weapons, which at times, were her only companions. She remembers his little games meant to test her and to teach. Looking at him now, at his bulky frame donning awkward mortal garb, she is conscious of everything, the good and the bad that surrounded their strange relationship.

She meets his eyes and there in that lock of gazes they come to an understanding. A silent truce. 

Never again would they share a bond of guardian and ward, far less that of father and daughter, but they would also always have a certain bond. Perhaps a fraught one and perhaps one that could be strengthened with time and distance, but for now simply its fragile almost presence was enough. 

He gives her a stiff nod in recognition of her earlier question, barely there, and Vivi walks back into the room with an iron in tow. She extends it to her father who gingerly accepts it and tells her he will return it soon. He does not thank her, for that is not the way of Faerie and with a final sweeping glance at the room and the people in it he abruptly turns and leaves, the smell of smoke retreating with him.

A moment later they are able to breathe freely again.

Eventually Cardan breaks the silence. "Kiss me if I'm wrong, but Madoc's a pixie, right?" 

Jude's mood immediately lightens at the ridiculous question which she knows was her husband's intention. He may be unbelievably maddening at times, but he always knew just what she needed. This time, instead of ignoring his quip, she smiles softly and willingly gives him his kiss as a silent thanks. 

* * *

All too soon evening falls and the adults have spent a peaceful day in the house, playing a game of Texas Hold’em. Jude and Heather had thankfully managed to veto Vivi’s suggestion of a game of strip poker, which, once he learnt what it was, Cardan was all too happy to back up. 

The money here is useless back in Elfhame so they gamble for a stash of leftover Halloween candy still in the fridge. Including Skittles. Jude still holds them in unjustified contempt.

After grudgingly losing most of her candy stash to the equally competitive Vivi and a surprisingly quick learning Cardan, Jude is feeling piqued so when Oak finally gets home from school and afternoon soccer practice, she’s all too quick to suggest a change in occupation, rather than admit defeat

It is, after all, their last night in the mortal world.

“Right,” she starts, standing up, ignoring the sight of Cardan’s huge pile of sweets on the table to her left. “As Cardan and I will be getting back to Elfhame today and Oak’s home, let’s go do something...fun.”

The smile on Cardan’s sensual lips is knowing. While Vivi, Heather and Oak discuss where to go and what to do, he leans over and lowers his voice and whispers “Didn’t like being on the losing side for once, My Queen?”

“Nonsense. We were all simply letting you win, Your Highness.”

“Ah Jude, you’ve given yourself away,” there’s a grin in his voice. “When have you ever just let me win?”

 _True enough_ , she thinks.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I think we've finally reached the end of this drabble-fest and I really hope that at least one person out there enjoyed this fic and that it made you laugh. Thanks for all the kudos and encouraging comments on my first ever multi-chap fic :)

The ‘something fun’, turned out to be...watching a movie. However, in a place known as a cinema. 

Yet another mortal enigma that Jude knew of from sketchy descriptions provided by the rebellious teen Vivi, when she used to sneak out on her ragwort steeds for a night of entertainment. The word cinema brought up vague thoughts of large projected images and watching mortals in makeup acting in the movies being shown on a screen from the viewpoint of a plush seat, chomping down on a snack that consisted of popped corn, whatever that meant. 

An intriguing thought.

Cardan clearly thought so too and, with an excited eight year old boy and an even more excited nineteen year old royal in tow, they follow Vivi’s lead to the nearest cinema.

The entrance is covered in boards and posters, screens play snippets of movies all over the place and it’s busy, kids are crying and harried adults are impatiently vying for tickets at the counter and Jude is only too happy to stay behind and let Heather do the needful.

The movie that’s been chosen is what is known as a live remake, a film called ‘The Lion King’. Oak had insisted, apparently he hero-worshipped someone named Disney, although Vivi had said Disney wasn’t a person. What it could be if it wasn’t a person, was the question.

Heather comes back with the tickets and the movie’s only 15 minutes away from starting in theater 4 but first, snacks.

Oak’s eyes light up at the sight of extruded snacks lining the shelves of the cafeteria, hotdogs and pretzels are on display under fluorescent lights and beverage dispensers are gushing with soft drinks of all colours; mostly toxic looking hues, but the crown glory was undoubtedly, the popped corn.

They’re small and white and fluffy, impossible to believe that they were originally small golden seeds. They’re all coated in different colours and seasonings and it takes a while for everyone to decide on flavours but in the end Jude ends up with a chilli lime and her evening gets even better when the spice in her husband’s sriracha flavoured _‘pop corn’_ makes his normally pale cheeks redden, rather endearingly. 

They’re late for the movie, rushing through the cinema halls to get to their theater and the ads have already started playing as they take their seats and jam on their 3D glasses and soon, the movie starts.

If only real monarchies actually worked this way, Jude thinks, where you could sing a happy song and a major domo sang your duties to you everyday in a catchy tune and the worst thing that could happen to you and your friend when entering the underbelly of the wild, was being heckled by a sleazy trio of Hyenas. 

She’s a lot less envious after Mufasa’s death. Scar you blackguard, not even Taryn could sink that low. The anguish in his eyes as he falls reminds her of her own father’s death. Simba’s sobs. _What was wrong with this movie?_

Maternal instincts that she swore she hadn’t had welled up at the sight of the lonely cub and she’s shocked by how much she enjoys the meerkat and the warthog duo.

The song featuring Nala and Simba’s budding romance shouldn’t make her feel sappy, but it does and she can’t help but gently squeeze Cardan’s hand that she’s been secretly holding in the darkness of the theater.

Oh no, Simba has to return home. Face his uncle. She understands his internal conflicts, his sense of failure. Jude was used to being scared of failing. This movie about the animal kingdom resonated way too much with her.

They’re fighting each other on Pride Rock, there’s fire. She’s reminded of the war that her army had almost fought, right before she managed to slay the serpent and retrieve Cardan.

Ultimately of course, Simba prevails and peace is restored to his kingdom and everything works out, much in the way of the aftermath of Cardan’s curse being broken back in Elfhame, restoring balance to the Fae land. 

She’s actually enjoyed the experience of watching this complicated tale of animals of all things, punctuated by the crispy crunch of _popcorn_ , which tastes sublime.

Oak’s chattering away and she trying to keep up with him but she’s completely lost when he starts comparing the movie to the ‘iconic’ animated original and thankfully Heather steps in and distracts him by making him pose for a picture next to a cardboard cut out of Simba in the lobby.

Cardan comes up to her then and wraps an arm around her waist bringing her closer to him as he looks into her eyes and says, “My deadly deathsweet, tell me, would you be the Nala to my Simba?”

His smooth voice is low and his eyes are dancing. Clearly, he’d enjoyed the experience as well.

She doesn’t even deliberate over her answer, “No, but I would be the Scar to your Ed.”

He’s confused for a moment before his expression clears as he remembers the name of the dim witted hyena sidekick. Quickly the look on his face changes to one of haughty offense and she can’t help letting out an un-queenly snort.

* * *

Their time in the mortal world has now reached its end and their goodbyes are rather reluctant, but the charge of Elfhame could only be entrusted upon others for so long. 

Nevertheless she assures her upset younger brother that they’d visit him again soon as she ruffles his hair in farewell and quickly hugs Heather, uttering the customary mortal thank you in return for hosting the royal couple.

Vivi accompanies them to their point of departure and helps Cardan conjure two ragwort ponies before saying her goodbyes in true, frank Vivi way and soon they’re on their way back home, sack of luggage slung between them.

They travel through the fog and the journey passes quickly and The Roach and the Bomb are standing on the banks of Insmire, awaiting their return.

The Bomb’s white hair is glowing in the dark light and it’s all Jude can see through her tired eyes as she walks in front of Cardan, back to their palace.

She’s glad to be home. _Home_.

Only now does it hit her that during the whole time she’d been in her birthplace, not once had she thought of that realm as home. ‘The Mortal World’ she called it, as if she herself were not one. As if she herself was not a mere human who had been born to a limited lifespan, one that was as fragile as the sputtering candles burning from their sconces on the palace walls. Even if she is now the Queen of the Fae and her lifeline is tied to the kingdom, she’s still not as powerful as most, she’s still a mortal. The thought unsettles her.

Her thoughts are so distracting that she barely takes note of Cardan questioning the Court of Shadows members about the state of the kingdom that they’d been entrusted with. Her kingdom and for all intents and purposes, her homeland.

Finally, they’re back in their chambers, after having the unbelievable fortune of not being encountered by anyone. The Roach and the Bomb leave them at their doorway and while she’s glad to see them, she’s also glad to be able to fully relax and wastes no time in practically collapsing on the soft mattress of their spacious bed.

Cardan, being Fae, is less exhausted and he watches her with an amused look on his face, tail swaying contentedly from side to side.

“Well my queen, it seems that the Kingdom has been quite peaceful during our absence, just the way it has been for months.”

She gives a noncommittal click of her throat in response. “Unfortunately, nothing lasts forever.” Nothing, not the piece of a kingdom, not her parent’s lives, not her relationship with her father and twin, not the fragile inconstant lives of mortals. The thought makes her old wound that had long past healed, throb.

“Jude?”

She’s brought back to the moment, meeting the soul-searing eyes of her husband standing in front of her, her enemy, her friend and her lover. Cardan was a constant in her life, a constant pain at times but also a constant presence that was there for her. A presence that felt right.

“If nothing lasts forever, will you be my nothing?”

The words are a quip, a reference to his ridiculous game. But his eyes are gleaming and they speak volumes and she knows that that’s not all that they are. These words, they are so much more. 

Forget the fact that she was not Fae, forget the burden of ruling a kingdom, forget broken relationships, this king, this Fae who had married her, he was her forever.

“Yes, Cardan. I will be your nothing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Got a bit sentimental at the end there. Anyways, thank you again and cheers from Elfhame. Come fangirl with me on Tumblr as we wait for the Cardan novella!
> 
> Tumblr:[@dirigibledinosaur](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/dirigibledinosaur)
> 
> Also if anyone here is a 'The Mortal Instruments' fan, I'm thinking of starting a Clace ice skating AU story so if you'd be interested in reading let me know and feel free to ask me anything.


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